But as I scrolled through the site, I was saddened by the topic offered. 

Oh.  The class was on women in the Bible.  

For a second there I thought we were just going to study the Bible as women.  Maybe read a gospel and develop a better understanding of the theology of Christ or discuss the exegesis of a good psalm.  For me, as a woman, I yearn for depth. I yearn for a greater understanding of God that I can apply to my life and that I can whisper to my heart when things are tough.  Even more, I miss good, beautiful depth in conversation that comes from studying the word and asking questions of one another.

I am both intellectual and emotional.  

And quite frankly, some day I feel a little undone with the soft platter of biblical food I get served as a female.  While I have no desire to be a pastor, I do have a pastoral heart in the sense that I long for all people to have the chance to learn and grow in the word - to hide this in their heart - and to see the way their hearts grow larger and their minds steadier with the correct contextual, cultural, and conceptual study of scripture.  I long for this for all genders.  

But as a woman, I acutely long for it for women.

It's not that these classes on women throughout the Bible do not teach people something or edify in some way - for surely these stories are in the Bible for a reason.  I'd be a fool to close my eyes to their goodness.  Thank goodness for Esther in the Bible.  Thank goodness for the example of Mary and Martha.  These have great theological truths we all - as men and women - can learn from.   

Everything has a place and likely this focus on women in the Bible will contribute to a greater understanding of God.  However, it is a part of a whole.

My heart yearns for the whole entire sandwich.  Genesis to Revelation.  

When I was at Briercrest Bible College I took a few biblical and theology classes as part of my degree and they grew me as a person and as woman who studied the word.

Forever since then, I have been on a journey of learning how to grow with God without a Bible College in my back pocket.  I know, partly, this is the way I am wired.  I also know I can't go back to unknowing after taking Biblical studies courses.  I know have a unique heart to study the word.  I know not every woman desires this type of study of the Bible.  But every woman (and man) is exhorted to study the Bible in some capacity.

My verse in this season has been Hebrews 5:11:

"We have much to say about this, but it is hard to make it clear to you because you no longer try to understand. In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again.  You need milk, not solid food."

This resonated with me.  Unfortunately.

My faith has been solid over the past years, but I've longed for teaching of scripture that could fill me and I've struggled with where to find it.  

A few years ago I met a guy online who had a theology degree.  At first I was exhilarated thinking, "finally, someone to teach me theology and challenge my mind."  Probably not a great reason to date someone, but I was longing for that at the time. I laugh about it now because for some reason I thought he could ride in a theological horse and impart all his wisdom to me.  Funnily, he was very opinionated and we couldn't have a back and forth conversation about faith that aided to my growth.    

Since then I've had a few good experiences in Bible studies I've been in and have settled into a rhythm of digging into the word for my own personal growth.   But sadly, for some reason I have found the community of Christ lacking in good, biblical teaching for women.

Even more, I've found the studies offered for women to be fluffy in content. Too often studies for women seem to be centered only on women in the Bible (again, an important study, but not good if it's the only study offered to women).  And unfortunately, at times the book studies I've been invited to as a woman were plain unscriptural.  Sadly, this can do damage to a person's heart.  Leaning on faulty interpretation of scripture does not allow a person to grow and, in the worst cases, turns a person off God all together. 

Again, some of these classes are solid and can be edifying.  I would not want to group them all together.  However, in my experience I've had to navigate such classes carefully and have felt tension around the teaching being offered.

Being a woman who loves the word of God in the way I do is lonely.  It shouldn't be because I believe biblical study is for everyone and that "all scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16).  I believe these words are for all people, all genders.  All backgrounds.

The word of God in it's entirety is for all genders.  I don't think women should limit themselves to study of truths about women in the Bible or studies on books that are not well rounded in scripture in the same way that I don't think men should skip over truths to do with women in the Bible.  Rather, I think that true biblical study involves the entire Bible and is for everyone.  Thankfully, we've made strides as a society through education giving equal opportunity for all people to read and write and; therefore to study and grow in the word.  I exhort my dear sisters in Christ to read the word, to dig deep and to have meaningful, deep conversations with one another about questions to do with theology.  I exhort you to learn how to study the word.  Apply critical thinking and discuss these things with one another so that you may grow in your faith and in knowledge with one another. Apply your heart to these things.  

From one woman who loves the word to another,

I found this funny and relatable: Women's "Bible Studies" These Days - YouTube

P.s. If you are a man reading this, thanks!  Hope you found something insightful here and that this inspires you to dig deeper into the word.

When I was younger, I was one of those little girls who wore "church dresses" to church and sat through a church service trying my best to pay attention while also thinking about chasing gardner snakes outside and figuring out how to climb the side of the church wall.  

One of those days at church something someone said about Jesus loving us spoke straight to my soul.

I asked lots of questions that day.

I was hungry for love.  Still am.  

My immediate reaction to knowing about this deep love that Jesus has for us was to excitedly tell my sister.  Sometimes I feel like that little girl still, wanting to excitedly reach out to people and tell them about this love I know to be true.

You can imagine my discomfort when something I find so exciting and world changing is trapped inside my chest.  Sometimes this story of love is trapped inside of me somewhere between longing to share and caution in how to share in a way that people will be receptive.

Over time, I've learnt the gentle way of God as he teaches me, changing my thoughts and perspectives on how the love of God should be shared.  I've learned that he takes me through seasons.  Seasons to love people patiently, seasons to pray for others more fervently, seasons to sit and wait, seasons to speak and be bold, and seasons to gently support.  I've learned that sharing the love of Christ can look so different at different times and that, if it is nothing else, it is being authentic and kind and vulnerable in a way that glorifies God.

Lately I feel a little lost.  There's a stirring in my soul, a wanting for something deeper with God and for God.  There's a wanting for my arms to stretch farther and wider in love for others, bringing others in to know who God is and to know Jesus.  There's a longing in my heart to have a deeper and fuller relationship with God.  And while these stirrings in my heart may be the beginning of something as time goes on - for surely they are not longings in vain, currently they feel like only that.  Longings.

I feel lost in career path, wondering how to glorify God in this.  I feel lost in friendships and other relationships, wanting the types of friendships and groups which sharpen one another and bring one another closer to Christ for Christs' sake. 

The current state of the world feels like a barrier.  The current state of my heart, at times, feels like a barrier.  

And yet I hear the gentle and quiet whisper of God saying, "You are exactly where I want you to be."

I've always been a dreamer.  An idealist.  A head-in-the-clouds type.  That quality has carried me on many wild adventures and different fun opportunities to share my faith and love with others.  

This quality also causes me to be dissatisfied with the shallow, the surface, the tip of the iceberg.  Sometimes I am impatient, waiting for my next adventure, the next deep calling, the next thing.  I'm spinning around in my brain waiting for some clear picture on next steps forwards.  In my soul, I know that the next step is to trust, to wait, to have the faith that God can and will use me.

Be still my soul.  Wait on the Lord.

This year, a verse from Isaiah was really comforting to me as I was in the middle of unemployment and some personal questions on direction.

"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant?  Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God."  Isaiah 50:10

There are times in life where, despite a deeper longing for more, the steadfast answer of God is to trust that he will continue to work and that he is working.  The answer is to see not only with human eyes, but with spiritual eyes.

Closing my eyes, I trust in God.  Because he has the light.  He is the light (John 8:12).

I could chase after so many dreams of mine (dreams I believe God has planted in my heart), but the patient, kind hand of my Father God says, "Wait.  Not yet. Wait on my timing."

I'm always a runner at the running block crouched and ready to fly with the wind towards my destination, ready to give and to share and be light as he is light.  And God has, time and time again, so patiently encouraged me to sit with him, to see things differently from his perspective, and to trust in him on a road that feels rocky at times.

He draws my attention to what is in front of me and what he's given me in this time and it is good.  He draws my attention to people in my life who I can love and speak softly to, showing the patient and loving care of God through the smallest moments.  

And so I say:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God." Psalm 42:5

And at the end of it all while the longing still beats in my chest to do more and love more, I sit and I wait and I sit and I wait.  And I trust. 

Be still my soul and trust.

The thing about favorite things is that they don't change- not the truly favorite things.  Like the way I like wool socks with the red line around the top.  I don't know if that will ever change.  

2020 has been a year for the books.  

I'll spare you all the details, but the year has affected me in a few different ways.  I don't think anyone has missed the way the world seemed to morph into a new place overnight.  

I was looking through the National Geographic's photos of families adapting to Coronavirus around the world (see here).  I think one of the main themes I see is all these people trying to make sense of the new way our world works and trying to find new and different ways to connect with one another.

People are forced to spend more time with a smaller group of people.  People are forced to be even more intentional about connecting.  People are coming up with different creative ways to see the people that they love. People are choosing to cohort with family or friends.  

One of my favorite things is people.  I don't think that one's going to change, so it must be one of my truly favorite things.

It's probably not a huge surprise that I rejoice in the way people are figuring out ways to be with one another and love one another.  I think it's actually really beautiful to see the intentionality of people and the ways they are able to rally together.

People are good for us.  I think God made us that way.

It's an odd world indeed when we have to navigate how we are going to see people and who we are going to see.  And yet, I think that the very act of this brings these things to the surface - the fact that we need one another and the fact that we want to be with one another.

So yeah, 2020 is weird and different than we expected.

But we still love one another.  We still cheer each other on.  We've adapted and encouraged others to adapt.  We've been in each others lives and sometimes we've taken risks to do so.  We've done Thanksgiving differently or chosen to do it the same - because it's Thanksgiving after all.  

When I think of this year, I see the significant challenges and changes around me as a result of the Coronavirus. Some of these changes make me uncomfortable and have been difficult.  And yet I've also gained some significant new people in my circles.  I've been able to slow down and narrow in on what is important and that- for me- is always about people.  

A while ago I came up with this word.  It's a word for being intentional about loving people.  

I call it Carving.

Other people might call it something else.  Like Love Does.   

Now I'm not a carver. At all.  But I think the one time I did try to carve it meant that I was being intentional and that I was trying to take away some pieces of wood to leave some sort of better masterpiece behind.

This concept was birthed out of the way I was living life back in spring.  I found that I had these grand ideas of loving people and what that looked like.  I was sad when I saw that for all my ideas, there was no action.  I needed to take away the things in my life that were distracting and took away from loving others.

At that time my job took up so much of my time. I was also going through a difficult health hurdle that made being intentional and connecting with others really hard.  Carving,  for me, was just about taking the space and time for people and doing things intentionally for people and with people even if I wasn't having a good day, was busy, or if I was struggling with health.

A few years ago I went on this "dream trip" to Cambodia and Thailand.  Basically I just dreamt up at trip and what I was going to do on the trip (learn more about trafficking in these two Countries) and then I did it.  It was one of my favorite trips because I put action to a dream I had.  I had adventures.  I met people.  And through telling some of these people's stories, I loved people.  

I think sometimes loving people is a little like that.  I need time and space away to dream up these ways to love others.  And then it's my favorite thing to put this dream into action and find these ways to be in others lives.

Maybe talking like this makes it seem like I have this figured out.  I don't.  I haven't at all figured this all out. I have all these insecurities and these broken pieces from the past that make it hard for me to do this well.  I have questions about what is best and what loving well even looks like.  I have questions about boundaries.  I have questions about what being authentic means.  I think thats part of the journey.  

I'll probably make some mistakes.  Heck, I've made some mistakes.

The year 2020 is still here.  It's hard.  But I believe it can be still full of love.  And- that- I think is what makes life worth it - whether it's 2020 or any other year. When I think of this year, I'm grateful for that.   

I think thats the best way to look at 2020: the year I slowed down and thought about love.  And that changed me.

Look up friends, keep loving, and keep your head up.