When I was younger, I was one of those little girls who wore "church dresses" to church and sat through a church service trying my best to pay attention while also thinking about chasing gardner snakes outside and figuring out how to climb the side of the church wall.  

One of those days at church something someone said about Jesus loving us spoke straight to my soul.

I asked lots of questions that day.

I was hungry for love.  Still am.  

My immediate reaction to knowing about this deep love that Jesus has for us was to excitedly tell my sister.  Sometimes I feel like that little girl still, wanting to excitedly reach out to people and tell them about this love I know to be true.

You can imagine my discomfort when something I find so exciting and world changing is trapped inside my chest.  Sometimes this story of love is trapped inside of me somewhere between longing to share and caution in how to share in a way that people will be receptive.

Over time, I've learnt the gentle way of God as he teaches me, changing my thoughts and perspectives on how the love of God should be shared.  I've learned that he takes me through seasons.  Seasons to love people patiently, seasons to pray for others more fervently, seasons to sit and wait, seasons to speak and be bold, and seasons to gently support.  I've learned that sharing the love of Christ can look so different at different times and that, if it is nothing else, it is being authentic and kind and vulnerable in a way that glorifies God.

Lately I feel a little lost.  There's a stirring in my soul, a wanting for something deeper with God and for God.  There's a wanting for my arms to stretch farther and wider in love for others, bringing others in to know who God is and to know Jesus.  There's a longing in my heart to have a deeper and fuller relationship with God.  And while these stirrings in my heart may be the beginning of something as time goes on - for surely they are not longings in vain, currently they feel like only that.  Longings.

I feel lost in career path, wondering how to glorify God in this.  I feel lost in friendships and other relationships, wanting the types of friendships and groups which sharpen one another and bring one another closer to Christ for Christs' sake. 

The current state of the world feels like a barrier.  The current state of my heart, at times, feels like a barrier.  

And yet I hear the gentle and quiet whisper of God saying, "You are exactly where I want you to be."

I've always been a dreamer.  An idealist.  A head-in-the-clouds type.  That quality has carried me on many wild adventures and different fun opportunities to share my faith and love with others.  

This quality also causes me to be dissatisfied with the shallow, the surface, the tip of the iceberg.  Sometimes I am impatient, waiting for my next adventure, the next deep calling, the next thing.  I'm spinning around in my brain waiting for some clear picture on next steps forwards.  In my soul, I know that the next step is to trust, to wait, to have the faith that God can and will use me.

Be still my soul.  Wait on the Lord.

This year, a verse from Isaiah was really comforting to me as I was in the middle of unemployment and some personal questions on direction.

"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant?  Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God."  Isaiah 50:10

There are times in life where, despite a deeper longing for more, the steadfast answer of God is to trust that he will continue to work and that he is working.  The answer is to see not only with human eyes, but with spiritual eyes.

Closing my eyes, I trust in God.  Because he has the light.  He is the light (John 8:12).

I could chase after so many dreams of mine (dreams I believe God has planted in my heart), but the patient, kind hand of my Father God says, "Wait.  Not yet. Wait on my timing."

I'm always a runner at the running block crouched and ready to fly with the wind towards my destination, ready to give and to share and be light as he is light.  And God has, time and time again, so patiently encouraged me to sit with him, to see things differently from his perspective, and to trust in him on a road that feels rocky at times.

He draws my attention to what is in front of me and what he's given me in this time and it is good.  He draws my attention to people in my life who I can love and speak softly to, showing the patient and loving care of God through the smallest moments.  

And so I say:

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God." Psalm 42:5

And at the end of it all while the longing still beats in my chest to do more and love more, I sit and I wait and I sit and I wait.  And I trust. 

Be still my soul and trust.